All I Really Want… or My Trip to the Dead Zone.

Someone sent me the world’s most epic YouTube video this morning. Although I’m home sick today, it brightened my day and I couldn’t be brought down after I watched it.  In order to understand why it was the most wonderful thing I’ve ever seen (even better than the recent Girl with the Dragon Tattoo movie starring Daniel Craig and Rooney Mara, which I totally loved), you’ll need to read this blog post from waaaaayyyyy back in the Sarah Mac Band archives.

This was posted January 4, 2006 (6 years ago today!!). I tried my best to edit it, but the writing was so manic and bad that I’m not sure that I would be able to edit it and still save it without substantial work (YAY! At least all that money spent on graduate school yielded an ability to write well since it didn’t yield  a grown up job!) And since I’m sick, I just sort of wanted to post it because it gave me great joy… and then go back to bed and have sweet dreams of alligator wrestling and muddin’  (that’s a joke… sort of).

And ladies and gentlemen, here you have it… from the Sarah Mac Band archives:

All I Really Want… or My Trip to the Dead Zone by Sarah Mac

Never so strongly has fate has tempted me… Normally, I am a pretty self-disciplines individual, but for some reason I gave in. Maybe it was because I felt all crazy from being off of work for an entire week, maybe it was the holiday season that puts a little extra spring in everyone’s step, I don’t really know, but I do know that I chased after that illusive little mother (fate) and she turned around and beat me in the throat and in the stomach with a six-inch tall plastic action figure.

My mom and dad bought themselves a freshwater fishing boat for Christmas. Then Mama Bear got the flu so, I offered my services to Mister Elwood as an assistant boat-breaker-inner two days after Christmas. In typical North Florida fashion, we loaded up the camoflauge boat, dressed in all flannel, and took off for Taylor County to buy a fishing license for me and commence with the maiden voyage. If anyone knows me, they would just laugh at that odd mental picture and not need to read the rest of this. But, for those of you that don’t know me well enough yet to appreciate it, I will continue.

There is a stretch of  State Road 59 that stretches from Wacissa (inland) to Highway 98 (which runs parallel to the Panhandle Gulf Coast) that Mister Elwood calls the “dead zone.”  Apparently, it has something to do with cyclists riding it and wanting to die because it goes on forever and there’s nowhere to stop and take a break because marsh/swamp goes straight up to the side of the road. I would say it’s much more the dead zone because of your complete inability to pick up any kind of cell phone signal out there.

We were driving through the dead zone listening to the radio when the dj announced a contest. They would play four songs and then if you could guess the common thread, you could win, gasp!!! a Slash (from Guns N’ Roses) action figure complete with his own mini-Marshall amp!!!! Upon hearing that, I immediately lost all bowel and bladder control right there in the middle of the dead zone from the sheer force of my fierce desire to win that contest and own that Slash doll.

As much of a cosmopolitan, cultured girl as I am, there is still a tiny bit North Florida red neck running in my veins. In fact, I would wager to guess that deep down inside, I might cling so desperately to the cosmopolitan, cultured, eyebrows always manicured girl as an overcompensation for my deep desire to be dirty. Not like, Christina Aguilera gunchy, sexual “drrrty”, but like trailor trash, bleach blonde, blue eyeshadow, too many cigarettes, Gretchen Wilson (whom I abhor), needs to brush her teeth dirty… so I guess more like Britney Spears “barefoot in the public restrooms” dirty. Something about the faded red Camaro driving, mullet wearing, sleeves ripped out of your t-shirt, Tasmanian Devil cartoon character tattoo on your arm, 80’s hair band blaring, no seat belt wearing  just calls my name (except for the no seat belt wearing because that’s so totally dangerous).

Guns N’ Roses is soooo completely the soundtrack said picture. Especially “Sweet Child O’ Mine,” which is my favorite song of all time… ever. I could play it over and over and over again and never grow tired of it. It’s like it’s a new song every time I hear it.. oh Lord, it could bring tears to my eyes right now just thinking about it—but as we all know, that’s not super difficult to do.

So I guess that you could understand the special significance of a Slash action figure for me. I was salivating as I pictured it in the Sarah Mac Band practice room. He could be our muse. We could all rub his belly for good luck before we play or something. And hello, how cool would Charlie look if he took some fashion pointers for the hardest, dirtiest, most “I-don’t care” rocker of all time?!? Leather pants, anyone?

The common thread between the four songs was kind of a tricky one. And that my friends, was in my favor… In that sense, I’m a little less like Britney and more like Shakira (who reportedly has an IQ of 140). For the most part, I know my music stuff (we all know that I have some weird Rain Man-esque tendencies). Instead of  “all the bands are from Seattle” or “all of the songs mention school buses” this was really hard. Get this– the bands that they played were Black Crowes, Allman Brothers, Rolling Stones, and Bad Company.

Ready??…  Each of the bands has two words in their name and those two words are in sucessive alphabetical order. How random is that? I figured it out on song three.  But I didn’t even think hard, it just came to me, and that’s how  I knew that it was fate.

[Side note: The following paragraph is no longer true after six years of singing on the radio and doing live performances. I guess we can use this as a record of my  personal growth!!]

I’m terrified of talking on the radio. I was never one of those punk pre-teen kids who would call the radio station and harass the dj to get on the air. And then in college, I had my one brush with radio fame when I played a song live on air and forgot the chords to the song that only has freakin’ three chords in it! Since I’ve been burned, I generally don’t call in to win stuff just because I don’t want them to record me and put me on the air– quite possibly a future problem since I want to be a rock star when I grow up. But a little like the mother who runs blindly back into the house on fire to save her baby from perishing, I picked up my cell phone to call in my answer and win my Slash doll. And then my call got dropped– repeatedly. I tried to call from my phone and then Mister Elwood’s phone until we weren’t even getting enough service for our calls to be dropped. There was just nothing. He drove faster to get us out of the dead zone before someone else figured out the answer. But it goes on forever!! Although it took probably twenty minutes for the rest of the Gulf 104 listening area to figure it out, someone did. And they did right about the time we pulled onto Highway 98 and got cell phone service again.

It was one of those things where you want to cry, but you don’t because you know how much of a fool you’ll look like being 25 years old and crying because you didn’t win a doll from a radio contest– even if it is a Slash action figure with his on mini-Marshall amp!!! So I bit my lip and pretended to use the bathroom at the gas station while Mister Elwood inquired about a fishing license (because I’m a rule follower and I don’t believe in fishing without a license). After I composed myself, I decided that this whole situation was actually dang funny and I laughed at myself all day long– which was helpful because we didn’t have any luck with the fish.

I read about Tom Jones today in the paper and how his fans throw panties at him all the time– apparently that’s a sign of beign a successful musician. I think that when the SMB gets to be famous (in the event that such a day comes) I would much rather have fans throwing Slash dolls at me– just makes sure to wrap them in bubble wrap so that they don’t hurt so much if they hit me… I might lose all bowel and bladder control.

The End

And now ladies and gentlemen, the video that served as a catalyst for the revitalization of a long dead blog post for the depths of the Sarah Mac Band blog archive (You really do need to watch the whole thing to appreciate all of the subtle musical textures and nuances and the great costuming)…

CLICK HERE —> http://youtu.be/gAJ2LDcBmXE

And just so that no one worries, a fan actually did purchase a Slash action figure for me and throw it at me (well, too me… but since I can’t catch worth anything, it sort of bounced off of me awkwardly as I yelped and jumped out of the way) at a concert. He now resides on a shelf in our practice room in all of his heavy-metal-hair-band-screw-you-I’m-too-stoned-to-care glory in our practice room next to Mr. Eko from Lost, Michelle Obama, Andrew Jackson, Davy Crockett, and 3 cans of Spam.

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3 responses to “All I Really Want… or My Trip to the Dead Zone.

  1. I would like to see one of these ‘liver’ performances. Can’t imagine.

    • Ahh now don’t I feel silly for texting this to Sarah before finishing the read and seeing you reported it the day before.

  2. Only 3 cans of Spam? Not prepared for 2012 are you?

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